As many of you may know, C.S Lewis wrote a book titled Surprised by Joy. I’ve always loved the poetry of his title choice and those words have stuck with me over the years. I’ve thought about what they mean, but usually I can see joy coming. It’s the happy occasion I’ve looked forward to, the long awaited vacation, the gorgeous day the weatherman predicted. I don’t know that I truly understood the depth of these words until now.
Just about two months ago, I had a baby boy. I will admit that before I got pregnant my husband and I oscillated about whether or not to have children. Should we, shouldn’t we? Would we enjoy parenthood? Would we be capable of raising a little human being? Was it a responsible choice to bring a new person into an overcrowded world? So many fears and worries, so much analysis and weighing of options. And then, almost despite ourselves… a baby.
What can I say except that I am truly surprised by joy. I could never have imagined such beautiful moments. Parenthood is different for every person, but for me, it is a whole new universe of contentment and gratitude. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard as hell. I am sleep deprived and disheveled. I look in the mirror and recognize that my body is now toast and I’m not seeing any free time at the gym anywhere on the horizon to remedy that (alas, I’m not seeing one of those celebrity tummy tucks either), my schedule is dictated by one thing and one thing only: this little guy who can’t walk or talk but is somehow managing to be completely in charge. But it feels awesome to sacrifice. This is something I’ve known from way back in my volunteer service days, but I forget it again and again because it’s so counterintuitive. Sacrifce feels awesome when it’s done for a great cause. Nothing beats the feeling. It’s joy with a capital J.
For anyone out there who is struggling, I’d like to offer this truth. There is joy out there in the universe waiting to surprise you. I promise. Your job is to hold on and wait for it. When I was much, much younger there was a point where I wanted to end my life. It was the darkest time I’d ever experience and I was lost. I could not imagine there would ever be anything except suffering, but the human brain is limited and even when we have powerful imaginations, we can not imagine what life might yet have in store for us. As I have experienced the joys of getting married, being published, and now this great, amazing joy of birth, I am reminded of that time and I am so thankful I held on. I never expected joy, but it has pounced on me.
Life is precious. Oh how I now understand this on a whole new level! Joy has taken my breath away.